Kings of Kind

When I reflect on what it is I'm afraid of, where my vulnerabilities lie, what holds me back on life--all of it, I think, stems from fear of getting hurt. I strive now to be kind, always, but in the past that kind of thing got me burned on not a few occasions.

Watching Game of Thrones is teaching me the power of being kind to, well, just be kind. Of what love really is and entails. All my verbal barbs, my awkward attempts to be funny that end up sending arrows of unintended micro-aggressions into good people, are why I don't say a lot around a dinner table among family, among friends, among co-workers, lovers, strangers.

I see now the power of kindness for kindness' sake. Danaerys seeks not to be a queen of ashes, but a uniter of free and moral men. I want so desperately to be liked that in the process I miss that I'm loved and hence I miss out on life.

Next year's election could very well kill me if I'm not mindful of what it is we really should be seeking as a free society. Elections do not really change things, I know that. The "U.S." constitution was really written to protect property-owning white men's interests--property, slaves, patriarchy. It does not mete out law equitably nor has it really ever.

My hope for this year, 2019, is to be not just kind for kindness' sake but to engage in life more--in people, in my work to further my career, in love, relationships, even family.

I want to get beyond needing to be liked so that I miss being loved and loving.

Westeros and Essos may be unsaveable (we shall see!) but the attempt is awesome. Master Aemon, Samwell Tarley, Gilly, Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister, Varys--in an imperfect sense, all kings of kindness. They strive for a better life for the most people despite being flawed humans themselves. I need to attempt something similar in my life.

I go on facebook to try and learn who people are that I have to meet and know--not to stalk. But it feels like stalking nonetheless. Fuck. I got to match everyone's face with a name this time on the Vermont retreat, and that's huge for me. I got to be vulnerable, even for a hot New York-Vermont minute! Then I retreated to binge-watch Game of Thrones. Why am I having this revelation now?

Feels good not to obsess about the news, at least.