[New
York City, 1982 in a swanky Manhattan apartment]
Agent: Sugar, babe, it’s the opening night of Cats and the curtain goes up in fifteen
minutes we gotta scoot, Liza!
Liza: Oh,
sure, I’d be delighted! Just let me turn off some of these lamps [raises leg vertically
while lying on couch].
Announcer: And now: Liza Minnelli Tries to Turn Off a
Lamp
Liza [getting up and moseying over to lamp to jazz
beat]: Just let me check it out over
here. [finding lamp] Oh, I see it, here’s the scoundrel – here’s the trouble-maker
right here! Time to turn this doodad off, OH!! [raising arms, posing
suggestively]
Agent: Want me to help ya, Liza?
Liza:
Oh no, darlin’ – you just relax. I just need
to find the clicker, or the switch that turns this whole cuckoo thing down! Is
there a little knob on here that you turn and everything goes black?
Agent: I
don’t know, Liza, it’s probably pretty simple.
Liza: You
tell that to Debbie Reynolds! [does jazz hands.]
Agent: What?
Liza: [doing jazz hands] Ok, there’s…gotta be a
turner, or like a ball, on the end of a chain, remember that?
Agent: Remember what, Liza?
Liza: [turning belt around stripper-tease style]
Chain, ball - ka-CHING remember that? Oh! [collapsing on couch] Atlantic City!
I choked on a shrimp! [putting legs in the air]
Agent: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about—Liza!
Forget the light, we gotta GO!
Liza: [writing on couch] Oh…oh I’m thinking it
might be in the box of a middle of a chord or a thin plastic clicker wheel in
the middle—you kick it ONCE! [kicks with cymbal crash] You kick it twice! [two
cymbal crashes] You kick it three times. [throws hips with three slow cymbal or
gong crashes] And the light goes on and the party starts! [turns head around
dramatically]
Agent: Baby, we’re gonna miss the SHOW! Don’t make
those little kitties wait, we’re gonna miss Caaats.
Liza: Oh, then I better turn off this skinny lady
[tussling hair, moving back toward lamp]. Is it a foot-tapper? ONCE! [three
quick congo drum hits] TWICE! [three quick congo drum hits w/ hi-hat cymbal at
end] Three? [three quick congo drum hits w/ hi-hat cymbal at end] Will a
Fosse-neck do it? [jutting out neck, Egyptian-style]
Agent: Nooooooo!
Liza: Hey, remember this? [covering face with
fingers spread apart]
Agent: Just turn the lamp off – I’m floggin’ for
Chris and Pete, the car’s waitin’ downstairs…
Liza: Oh, that’s right, the lamp, that little
rascal. Oh, wait—here it is. I found the chord! [grabbing chord, putting it
over shoulder] I just have to pull it out of the wall [tussling hair] Aaaaoooh!
Look…how long this chord is—Ben Vereen it’s long! I’m not getting anywhere with
it, it’s like Tommy Tune!
Agent: ‘Cuz you’re walkin’ in plaaaace!
Liza: Am I? I just gotta find the clicker that dims
the whole shebang. [sticks out butt and arms]
Agent: Once again, not my house, not my lamp!
Liza: [holding lamp] Oh – here it
is, it’s just a button. What’s all the neck but – you don’t push it, you gotta
give it a little turn. [twirling around, turns off lamp] I did it! [jazz hands]
Agent: Good job, Liza baby, good job.
Liza: Pow! [jazz hands]
Agent: And, we missed the show.
Liza: The heck with Cats, let’s dance!
[Agent gets up to
dance with Liza]
Announcer: This has been Liza Minnelli Tries to Turn Off
a Lamp.
