Liza Minnelli Tries To Turn Off a Lamp

[New York City, 1982 in a swanky Manhattan apartment]

Agent:  Sugar, babe, it’s the opening night of Cats and the curtain goes up in fifteen minutes we gotta scoot, Liza!

Liza:  Oh, sure, I’d be delighted! Just let me turn off some of these lamps [raises leg vertically while lying on couch].

Announcer:  And now: Liza Minnelli Tries to Turn Off a Lamp

Liza  [getting up and moseying over to lamp to jazz beat]:  Just let me check it out over here. [finding lamp] Oh, I see it, here’s the scoundrel – here’s the trouble-maker right here! Time to turn this doodad off, OH!! [raising arms, posing suggestively]

Agent:  Want me to help ya, Liza?

Liza:  Oh no, darlin’ – you just relax. I just need to find the clicker, or the switch that turns this whole cuckoo thing down! Is there a little knob on here that you turn and everything goes black?

Agent:  I don’t know, Liza, it’s probably pretty simple.

Liza:  You tell that to Debbie Reynolds! [does jazz hands.]

Agent:  What?

Liza:  [doing jazz hands] Ok, there’s…gotta be a turner, or like a ball, on the end of a chain, remember that?

Agent:  Remember what, Liza?

Liza:  [turning belt around stripper-tease style] Chain, ball - ka-CHING remember that? Oh! [collapsing on couch] Atlantic City! I choked on a shrimp! [putting legs in the air]

Agent:  I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about—Liza! Forget the light, we gotta GO!

Liza:  [writing on couch] Oh…oh I’m thinking it might be in the box of a middle of a chord or a thin plastic clicker wheel in the middle—you kick it ONCE! [kicks with cymbal crash] You kick it twice! [two cymbal crashes] You kick it three times. [throws hips with three slow cymbal or gong crashes] And the light goes on and the party starts! [turns head around dramatically]

Agent:  Baby, we’re gonna miss the SHOW! Don’t make those little kitties wait, we’re gonna miss Caaats.

Liza:  Oh, then I better turn off this skinny lady [tussling hair, moving back toward lamp]. Is it a foot-tapper? ONCE! [three quick congo drum hits] TWICE! [three quick congo drum hits w/ hi-hat cymbal at end] Three? [three quick congo drum hits w/ hi-hat cymbal at end] Will a Fosse-neck do it? [jutting out neck, Egyptian-style]

Agent: Nooooooo!

Liza:  Hey, remember this? [covering face with fingers spread apart]

Agent:  Just turn the lamp off – I’m floggin’ for Chris and Pete, the car’s waitin’ downstairs…

Liza:  Oh, that’s right, the lamp, that little rascal. Oh, wait—here it is. I found the chord! [grabbing chord, putting it over shoulder] I just have to pull it out of the wall [tussling hair] Aaaaoooh! Look…how long this chord is—Ben Vereen it’s long! I’m not getting anywhere with it, it’s like Tommy Tune!

Agent:  ‘Cuz you’re walkin’ in plaaaace!

Liza:  Am I? I just gotta find the clicker that dims the whole shebang. [sticks out butt and arms]

Agent:  Once again, not my house, not my lamp!

Liza: [holding lamp] Oh – here it is, it’s just a button. What’s all the neck but – you don’t push it, you gotta give it a little turn. [twirling around, turns off lamp] I did it! [jazz hands]

Agent:  Good job, Liza baby, good job.

Liza:  Pow! [jazz hands]

Agent:  And, we missed the show.

Liza:  The heck with Cats, let’s dance!

[Agent gets up to dance with Liza]

Announcer:  This has been Liza Minnelli Tries to Turn Off a Lamp.